Is toddler separation anxiety breaking your heart?
One of the hardest things my wife and I found with our first child was the toddler separation anxiety of those first few times at daycare. I've gotta say that we also made several, if not all, of the mistakes listed below!
I wish that there was some way to explain to our toddlers that when we have to leave them in a strange place with other strangers, it hurts us as much as it hurts and scares them, sometimes us parents feel it even more!
It's a Completely Normal Stage of Development!
Separation anxiety is a common and normal part of a child's development, typically occurring between the ages of 8 months and 2 years. However, not every toddler experiences separation anxiety, and the intensity and duration can vary from child to child. Some toddlers may show only mild signs of distress when separated from a caregiver, while others may experience more pronounced anxiety.
Factors such as temperament, the child's experiences, and the parenting style can influence the degree of separation anxiety. Some toddlers may have a more secure attachment to their caregivers, making them feel more confident in their absence, while others may be more sensitive to changes and find separation more challenging.
It's essential for caregivers to be patient and supportive during this phase, gradually encouraging independence and providing reassurance. If separation anxiety persists or seems severe, consulting with a pediatrician or child development specialist can be helpful in understanding and addressing the specific needs of the child.
Toddler separation anxiety is not as painful for them as you think...
As much as separation anxiety or leaving your child, even if only for a little while, can really hurt, and our toddler may seem devastated, their carers really are telling the truth when they tell you they only cried for a few minutes and then had a great day! Of course, sometimes it is a different story, but for the most part, it always ends up OK, and our own behavior plays a big part in how we deal with the separation.
Tips to help you deal with toddler separation anxiety...
Read the tips below and see how you go!
1. Take charge and stay in control!
This is your number one priority in reducing toddler separation anxiety! It goes without saying that you will feel scared, worried, concerned, or emotional just as much as they do. You cannot, however, show this emotion as it will set your toddler's fears right off!
What worked for us was talking up how much fun they were going to have and that we were sorry we would miss it!
2. The Art of Goodbye
The worst thing you can do is stretch out the goodbye with heaps of extra hugs and kisses and just general lingering to ensure they are OK!
This tells your child that you are a bit worried about them and their surroundings, which again will not let them comfortably settle.
All you need to do is give them a cuddle and kiss and confidently tell them that you are going now, that you will be back soon, and for them to have a great day.
I have seen many parents try to use the quick escape approach. This is when you wait for your toddler to look away or pick up a toy and then quickly steal away while they are distracted. Your child is not stupid; sooner rather than later, they will notice you are gone and leave them alone without saying goodbye. This breeds distrust quicker than anything.
3. Socializing is very calming and is one of the best ways to fight toddler separation anxiety.
It is far easier to leave your child in the hands of familiar and trusted people.
Socializing wherever possible with the carers at day-care in the small windows you get at the pickup and drop off or the whole center family fun days are invaluable for breaking the ice and getting to know the teachers and the parents of other children.
Organize some play dates with the other children in your child's class outside the center if possible. This will allow them to see more familiar faces when you drop them off, and you, too, could make some new friends.
4. Make friends with the Teacher 
You have just dropped off your most prized and loved possession! Does it not make perfect sense to try to make friends and build a relationship between you and your toddler's teacher or carer? They do not have to win you over; in fact, it is the other way around.
Being friends with the teacher will ensure that your toddler picks up on the positive vibes and, as a result, trusts them as well, further reducing toddler separation anxiety.
Additionally, you will always hear more specifics about their day and problems they may have had and be much more successful in organizing meetings or time to see them to discuss your child.
5. To reduce the chance of toddler separation anxiety, Be There On Time!
We have already discussed how long goodbyes can cause toddler separation anxiety, but a late pickup can do just as much damage.
Your child, just like every other child in that room, will always look to the door in anticipation of seeing whose Mommy or Daddy has arrived to collect them every time it opens.
Like getting picked last for school sports teams, it is awful to be the last one left, especially if it happens regularly. As much as you can, try to be on time for the pickup and not leave them until the last very often.
Toddler separation anxiety is just another challenge on the road of parenthood but with the right strategies and helpful tips you will get through it with flying colors and move on to your next terrible twos (or 3's, 4's and beyond!) challenge!
There is heaps of other great info like this to help you get through the Terrible Twos stage and beyond in the fantastic program recommended by TheTerribleTwos.org.
The book below is incredibly highly regarded and one of the finest resources I have found so far for when it comes to dealing with the Terrible Twos and of course, Separation Axiety for Toddlers.
I thoroughly recommend it as a brilliant, compassion-based program that will have you spending far more time enjoying your toddler rather than trying to discipline them.
1-2-3 Magic: Gentle 3-Step Child & Toddler Discipline
Discover effective strategies for nurturing your toddler's development and fostering a loving bond without resorting to harsh discipline methods
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